Stress, Turnaround, Shutdown

 Some days I can get honked at for a stupid driving maneuver and shake it off. Some days, like this evening, I can get honked at--rightfully--for merging without looking sufficiently and decide that's enough driving and being conscious for today. I turned around and went back home without the groceries I was going to get. 

I should get my eyes checked, my partner suggests. It's not (or not only) that I don't see well at night--who does? It's that I'm just not a good driver. Even when I look, I miss things. I'm being hard on myself. 

I just really hate driving.

And it was a long day. 

And I'm tired. 

I did start applications to seminaries. Turns out getting my transcripts is easier than it used to be thanks to electronic systems. I asked my recommenders to recommend me. I just need to finish a statement (only 500 words--that's so short!). And then wait.

My partner thinks my anxiety about applying made me extra sensitive to driving stuff.

Maybe? But really, it just seems like I'm getting worse at driving--or, well, worse at handling the stress of driving. It seems I'm avoiding and honking at inattentive or unsafe drivers more myself, too. And I don't navigate well at any time of day. I don't deal with other drivers being impatient with me well. 

This isn't a great trajectory, I know. I'd prefer not to retreat back to the olden days where I lived in active dread of the next time I had to drive somewhere. Is this a new old-age thing for me? Just getting more anxious about driving? Ugh.

Maybe I just need some sleep. There are times when unconsciousness just seems like a better place to go. 

If I were not me, I'd be telling myself to try to do some exercise. Move a bit and then decide how I feel (still not like driving, but maybe not just "stop all conscious thought ASAP"). I'm healthy enough not to want to respond to stress by shutting down.That response is likely an indicator that I'm pretty stressed out otherwise about something else (The Awfulness, for instance). 

So. I dunno. Signing off for now, maybe to do a little exercise in the name of resisting the decline into anxious paralysis.